Deborah Howard

Sep

2015

Let There Be Light

One of the themes of the Bible is the contrast between light and dark. Light, associated with Christ and with good, speaks to revelation—it allows us to see clearly so that we may understand what is shown to us. Darkness, associated with Satan and with evil, speaks to a world where things are hidden, where people stagger and grope around blindly.

My son and I were discussing this the other day and he voiced it in a way I’d never thought about before. We are all born into darkness. And we get comfortable there. We like it. We can’t see that we’re covered with filth. Ignorance is bliss—or at least we perceive that it is. We don’t even know we’re filthy. We stumble around not even realizing we’re blind. We’re okay with that world, satisfied with our fleshly appetites and mistakenly think we look pretty good.

But one day the light penetrates our darkness and reveals that we are covered in filth! We had no idea! This filth is horrifying and the stench is unbearable. For some, the light is the worst thing that could happen to them because now they can see what they are. For others, the light is the best thing—for the same reason.

At that time, humanly speaking, we have two choices. We can scurry, like cockroaches, back into the darkness where we’re comfortable with our filth. Or we can look for a way to get clean!

We may even try to wipe the filth away ourselves but our efforts leave us exhausted, hopeless and covered with more filth than ever. We understand at that point that we need a Savior—that on our own we cannot become clean. And so we look to Christ as our Savior in faith and stand before Him as He instantly removes the filth and leaves us clothed in His righteousness.

I’ve heard it said that we don’t truly see the beauty of the Good News of Christ until we’ve first understood the bad news of our depravity. Christ is that light that exposes who we are and freely offers the grace that bathes us in His glory.

He exposes. Light exposes. The word exposes. And if we belong to Him, we respond with gratitude and praise. From that time on, we relish the light and loathe the darkness.

Through contact with Him, we absorb that light, embracing it and eventually reflecting it. We “glow in the dark ‘till the Lord returns,” (Andy Mineo, Let There Be Light).

What about you? When the light of Truth exposes your filth, will you scurry back into the darkness or run to the only one Who can make you clean?

“. . . for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them,” Ephesians 5:8-11.

Sep

2015

Who’s the Boss of Sex?

I love kissing my husband. I’d do it a lot more if he didn’t think that every time I kiss him I’m wanting sex. And though I’ve explained this concept to him many times in our nearly 29 years together, it’s something he just doesn’t seem to comprehend, regardless of his keen intellect. It must be a “man thing.”

The next words out of my mouth were going to be, “Believe me, if I want sex I’ll let you know!” when it dawned on me—“Who died and made me the boss of when we have sex?” That question led to this post—a bit controversial, perhaps, because it’s about that s-e-x word, but there it is!

Making love sets your relationship with your husband apart from every other relationship. It’s the one thing you do together that nobody else has! As such, it’s a special expression of your love, respect, and God-given earthly passion. This connection is vital to the way we react to each other overall. Its tenderness is a physical manifestation of the love you have for each other.

In most of the couples counseling we’ve done, we’ve noticed a trend that the wife is usually the one who calls the shots regarding the frequency of sex—she controls how often her husband “gets” to have sex! Because of that, more husbands are feeling deprived at a time when nearly everything in this world entices them to stray—in their thoughts, if not in reality.

As long as both partners enjoy their sexual relationship to the same degree, there’s usually no problem. They are each other’s object of desire and rest fulfilled in the intimacy they share. The problem occurs when the wife doesn’t feel that way and begins to refuse sex for many reasons:

Exhaustion.
Headache or other malady.
Too busy.
A diminished libido.
Resentment has erased her desire for intimacy.
And the list goes on and on.

So I’m not really speaking here to the ones who have no problem with this. I’m addressing the ones who do—and may or may not realize it.

Don’t get me wrong, ladies. I know your husband’s timing can stink sometimes. At those times, you just want to say, “Now? Seriously?”

Yet, we marry men. We don’t marry little boys needing correction. And we want our men to be . . . well, men! Do we really want men who allow us to completely determine the frequency of their sex life? Do we want them that domesticated?

Most of the time, both parties are “in the mood for love.” But let’s face it, ladies. Depending upon what’s going on in each of our lives, it could be weeks between lovemaking if we had sex only when we were in the mood. Is that fair to our husbands? And is that our role in the eyes of the Lord? Are we to dole out sex to our husbands as we see fit?

I Corinthians 7:1-5 speaks clearly to this issue. “Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: ‘It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.’ But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control,” (emphasis added).

What? Am I saying sometimes you might need to have sex with your husband even if you’re not in the mood? Yes! I’ve actually had sex when I’ve not felt 100% well, when I’ve had a headache, when I’ve had something else I’d rather do, when I’m not in the mood, and when I’m exhausted. That’s not because my husband is insensitive—he is very sensitive to me. It’s because I cared more about his needs than my own. And it didn’t kill me. How about that? But you know what it did do? It honored my husband, and therefore, honored God.

Not that I’m the standard, by any means. I’m imperfect. My attitude in the first paragraph demonstrates that. But I do love my husband and I’m an advocate for other women to examine their own attitudes and behaviors to see if they may have a wee problem in this area.

Before the hate mail starts coming in from wives everywhere, and thank you cards by the thousands from their husbands, let me end by clarifying it this way. In an ideal world, we would both be equally motivated to have sex every time. But we don’t live in an ideal world. Sometimes one or the other of us may be called upon to do something because we care more about our spouse’s needs than our own. Imagine that!

It’s true that the husband needs to be considerate of his wife in regard to his desires. But ladies, we must not emasculate our husbands by taking away their rights and forcing them to repress their desires. Love seeks to please. We understand this for the first six months of marriage. Let us remember it for the rest of it, as well.

Sep

2015

Spiritual Warfare is Real

Spiritual warfare is not a fantasy. It’s real. It happens every day in the lives of each believer. The problem comes when we don’t recognize it.

Two events hit me the same week to cause me to meditate about what I know to be true about life—that it really is a battle between good and evil.

#1. I watched War Room.

#2. I read James Rubart’s book, Soul’s Gate.

War Room is a movie I’d strongly encourage every believer to see. Before I saw it I was told, “It will energize your prayer life.” It did. Prayer takes on such a strong role in this movie that it should have its own credits at the end. This movie reminds us that the warfare is real, and that we are Christian warriors—and through prayer and application of the truths in scripture, we can fight against Satan as such. We can be strong warriors against this foe, not because we’re so strong ourselves, but because Christ has already won the victory and it is through HIS power that we can overcome.

Soul’s Gate will not be for everyone. I’m not entirely sure what genre it falls into, but I suppose Christian fantasy would be the closest. Rubart’s first book, Rooms, is my favorite of his work, so far, and was a tough act to follow. Soul’s Gate, though it didn’t surpass Rooms, was still a good read. In Soul’s Gate, he takes the concept of spiritual warfare and puts it in physical form using some of the supernatural accounts in the Bible as his launching pad. We could call it spiritual supposing. Perhaps he asked himself, “What would it look like today if we could do these things? What would it look like today to leap into a battle for souls?” This book was the result of that supposition.

Like War Room, it takes the battle between good and evil and reminds us that we can overcome—that we already have the armor and weapons for battle, and through the strength of the Holy Spirit we can fight the good fight.

*****

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm,” (Ephesians 6:10-13.)

Sep

2015

Lunatic, Liar or Lord!

C. S. Lewis, in his book, Mere Christianity, said, “I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronising nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to. … Now it seems to me obvious that He was neither a lunatic nor a fiend: and consequently, however strange or terrifying or unlikely it may seem, I have to accept the view that He was and is God,” (pg 54-56).

Several years ago, I heard a preacher paraphrase this quote in one of his sermons. I found it rather shocking. But it stayed with me.

Its logic cannot be refuted. There is no doubt that Jesus actually lived upon this earth. Ever since, however, a controversy exists about who He was. This man made outrageous statements that shocked and amazed people of that day. He said things like,

“’Believe in God; believe also in me. . . .

I am the way, and the truth, and the life.

No one comes to the Father except through me,’” John 14:1, 6.

and

“’I am the resurrection and the life.

Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live,

and everyone who lives and believes in me

shall never die,’” John 11:25-26.

Outrageous! Right? His words still shock and amaze people today! But those of us who believe in Him, know them to be true.

Lunatic. Yes, if anyone but Jesus had made the same statements and claims that He did, we would consider them a lunatic—self-deluded, at best. Was Jesus a lunatic? Read the gospel accounts of His life, death and resurrection found in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, then ask yourself that question. My conclusion is that Jesus was not a lunatic, but the sanest man who ever lived!

Liar. If He was sane—and therefore, not a lunatic—then perhaps He committed the most dastardly, large-scale fraud in history. Was He a fraud? A liar? Was His purpose in life to mislead the masses? I challenge you again to read the gospel accounts of His life before you answer that question. After a careful reading, I think you might agree with me that Jesus Christ was not a liar, but the most trustworthy man who ever lived!

LORD! If, then, Jesus was not a lunatic or a liar, there is only one possibility—that He was who He said He was! He was and is the Son of God, King of Kings and Lord of Lords!

C. S. Lewis just might have been on to something when he wrote this argument. Shocking. But true.

Aug

2015

Look to the Hills!

We’ve been covering some of the Psalms of Ascent in our Sunday School class. The Psalms of Ascent are Ps 120-134. Though we’re not told what this tiny subscript under each heading of these psalms means, it is generally understood that these are psalms sung as travelers made their way up to Jerusalem.

One of the commonalities is the theme of trust in the Lord. I’ve written a lot about trust and that subject has been on my mind lately. In his book, Longing for HOME: A Journey through the Psalms of Ascent, J. Stephen Yuille says, “to trust in God is to rest in who he is,” (pg 66). I believe that’s a fitting bottom line.

Our trust in Him doesn’t depend on our ability to hold on. If it did, we would fail every time. We trust imperfectly. Yet we are to continue striving for complete trust in Him. Spurgeon wrote that the sovereignty of God is the pillow on which we rest our heads. The better we comprehend His character and attributes, the more fully we can rest in who He is.

Instead of our faith and security depending on our tentative hold on our Savior, we can “rest” knowing that He holds us instead. Psalm 63:8 says, “My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.” Therefore, the reason we can rest in our security in Him, no matter what our earthly circumstances may be, is because His righteous right hand holds onto us!! That grip will never falter.

Let me close by quoting my favorite of these Psalms of Ascents. Psalm 121:

“I lift up my eyes to the hills.

From where does my help come?

My help comes from the LORD,

Who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved;

He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, he who keeps Israel

Will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your keeper;

The LORD is your shade on your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.

The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in

from this time forth and forevermore.”

So, regarding my own heart, I cry out, “Lord, equip me with the kind of faith and belief and trust in You which will allow me to rest in Your perfect sovereignty. When my head hits the pillow at night, let me close my eyes in the peace that comes from loving You.”

Aug

2015

Help! My Friend is Suicidal

Help! My Friend is Suicidal, by Bruce Ray

Deborah Howard

A friend’s recent suicide prompted my reading this book, by Withhold Not Correction’s Bruce Ray. What an excellent book he’s now written on this delicate and dangerous subject of suicide.

Sensitively written, this book delivers what it promises. “This booklet will address suicide prevention and intervention,” it says on page 7. And it does! It describes the warning signs which usually precede a suicide, as well as things to do and things not to do in our attempt to help.

This book debunks myths and misconceptions about suicide. It lists the most common reasons given for resorting to such a violent and misguided option, as well as addressing the only true reason—“There is ultimately only one reason why people commit suicide. Most of them have not lost their minds, but all of them have lost hope,” (pg 19).

It points the one who is losing hope to the only Source of true hope—Jesus Christ, and instructs us how we can possibly help when someone we love is suicidal, giving solid, concrete steps to consider. And Bruce Ray knows a thing or two about this. He has served as a police, fire and EMS chaplain for almost 25 years, and has been a pastor in Washington for 45 years. He uses some of his previous experiences to bring his points home in a realistic, factual way.

I encourage everyone to buy a copy of this book. I plan to purchase several to use as an important tool in my counseling toolbox. May God use this book as a means to save lives and renew them through the instruction it gives to those who want to help someone who sees no other way around their pain.

Aug

2015

Against All Odds

My grandmother once told me that the hardest part about getting older was losing everyone who shared a memory with her. We might all know the stories, but we weren’t there at the time, she said. She was 84 when she died. By then she’d outlived most of her friends and all of her sisters and brother.

In a week, my father will turn 84 years old. He’s outlived most of his friends, too. That’s astonishing considering that no one expected my father to live beyond 33. That’s how old he was when he was found to have two brain tumors. We were told their location was so complex the only doctor who would have any chance of successfully removing them was in St. Louis—Dr. Henry Schwartz, at Barnes Hospital. Dr. Schwartz gently told my mother that there was a high probability Daddy would not survive the surgery, and that, if he did, he might need to be institutionalized for the remainder of his life. Yet, it was a certainty that he would die without the surgery.

He survived. He did not require institutionalization. He was severely impaired, at first, and needed a lot of care, which my mother selflessly provided. But then he began to improve. No, he was never the man he was before the surgery, but he was able to return to his life and career as a band director on a limited basis.

My parents had lots of friends. I believe most of them suspected Daddy wouldn’t be with us long—that, as fragile as he was, there was no way he’d survive long-term. They felt sorry for my mom who valiantly rose to the occasion, taking care of Daddy for the next 50 years.

Ironically, most of those friends have died by now. And my mother’s health is failing. But Daddy’s doing fine. He’s healthy and happy. He’s outlived almost all of them.

The surgeries took their toll on him, mentally, though. That once bright mind began slipping. For the last twenty years, he’s drifted away from us in a slow downward spiral. He’s retained his sweetness and charm through it all, but now he’s a mere shell of who he once was.

I still see glimpses. That smile. Those beautiful, soft hands. The kindness. The Southern politeness and propriety. I still get to hold his hand and tell him what’s going on in the family—even though he may not remember who they are.

My father never felt sorry for himself. He counts himself blessed and never complains. Since he requires 24/7 supervision he lives in a nearby nursing home. The other day I took my mom for a visit. They sat together in the day room holding hands.

She asked, “Joe, do you know where you are?” “Yes, I know where I am,” he replied. “Where are you?” she asked. Daddy looked around (and doesn’t really have a clue where he is), but he beamed at her, “I’m somewhere sweet.”

That’s all that counts.

Aug

2015

Death by Suicide

Wrapping your mind around suicide. How can one do that? It’s senseless. Selfish. Cruel. Needless. A permanent solution to a temporary problem. So many words and phrases come to mind when trying to understand the mind and motives of a friend or loved one who commits such an unbelievable act.

I’m reeling from the news that a dear friend died in such a way a couple of months ago. I’m just now hearing this, so my grief is fresh and pierces my heart with sorrow—and yes, some anger, as well.

He’s been on antidepressants for years. Lately he started drinking more and more heavily. Alcohol + antidepressants is a terrible combination and the literature clearly states that if you’re on an antidepressant, you must avoid alcohol. Too few people read the literature, though. Too few know what a dangerous combination this is.

My friend was so drunk one night that his anger and emotion tangled with his ability to think rationally, and he took his life in a moment of time when he could think of no other way out of his pain and fear. I truly don’t think he could have/would have done this when in his right mind.

When he pulled that trigger, he set into play a cascade of consequences—none of them good. His family, his friends—so many friends—were plunged into grief that has no words, only disbelief and pain too intense to describe.

Another consequence is the “if only” syndrome. If only I’d known he was so disturbed. If only he had called me, had given me the chance to talk to him. If only I’d stayed in closer touch with him. If only . . .

In my book, Sunsets: Reflections for Life’s Final Journey, I quoted Erwin Lutzer, who wrote, “Let me encourage you to take those ‘if onlys’ and draw a circle around them. Then label the circle, ‘The providence of God.’ The Christian believes that God is greater than our ‘if onlys.’ His providential hand encompasses the whole of our lives, not just the good days, but the ‘bad’ days too. We have the word accident in our vocabulary; He does not.”

In the chapter on death, I wrote about suicide. “A moment of thoughtlessness leaves loved ones struggling with anguish, confusion, guilt, and pain. Suicide is the ultimate selfishness.” I still believe that.

I know some people suffer unbelievable pain—physical or emotional—that I cannot truly fathom. But, if you are toying with suicidal thinking, please talk to someone—anyone!! Call a pastor, trusted friend, or suicide prevention hotline (800-273-8255).

Whatever you’re dealing with can be resolved. Tomorrow things may change! A month from now the whole problem could be a thing of the past! A year from now, you may not even remember today’s dilemmas. There are always better options than suicide.

Please, choose life!

Jul

2015

God Puts Us Where He Wants Us

God puts us where He wants us.

As an RN, I round for a brilliant gastroenterolist one weekend per month. It’s amazing how many times I know why God put me there in that hospital on that day. Perhaps He put me there for one person—perhaps for more. But as I drive home, my heart is so full of gratitude when I know He’s used me to make a difference in other peoples’ lives.

After all, don’t we all pray that God would use us as a vessel? Don’t we want Him to use us to bless others?

But I didn’t want to work this weekend. Last Tuesday I injured my knee playing tennis and hobbled on it painfully for days. I tried to get someone else to cover this weekend. Everyone was busy. So God blessed me by a) healing my knee well enough for me to work on it, and b) using me to make a difference in one family’s life.

Back when I was an on-call nurse for hospice I sometimes resented my pager going off—especially if I had to leave church to respond to a call. Sometimes I fumed all the way to the patient’s house.

But something happened once I actually got there. I’d walk in to see pain and distress, the situation in chaos. And, because of my training and experience, I was in a position to bring them comfort. I knew what to do. When I left that house, I realized that I’m the one who received the blessing that day. No, I didn’t get to finish the worship service, but I did something else. I tended His flock.

You simply can’t out-give God. Even on the occasions when my utmost desire is to serve others, He finds a way to bless me by the experience, to leave me breathless with gratitude. It’s thrilling when God uses you to help someone else.

So this weekend, an elderly patient got some very bad news. Terminal cancer that had already spread. He and his family were still coming to grips with it. I was there to help at a moment when they needed just that! I won’t share the details but suffice it to say there was some rejoicing in God’s sovereignty. This man knew he wouldn’t die a moment before he was supposed to and told me he was ready any time the Lord called him home. They tearfully thanked me for my visit. I don’t know if they noticed the tears in my eyes, as well. No, I didn’t know them, but it’s amazing how we, as believers, are part of the same family in times like these.

My knee was really angry about me working this weekend. But I told it to stop its whining. I knew why I was supposed to be there. And that was far more important.

God put me where He wanted me. That’s enough for me.

Jul

2015

On Writing

Writers write.

I didn’t get that right away. When I was researching my first novel, someone asked me what I was doing. There I was, head down, taking copious notes while walking with a tour through Indian City, USA in Anadarko, OK. She probably thought I was mentally off by the time I shyly muttered, “I’m a writer–researching a new book.”

My friend nudged me teasingly, “Now was that so hard?” “Yes,” I answered. “It was!” I mean, at that time, I wasn’t a published author, so I felt a bit dishonest saying I was a writer. She told me, “Writers write. Do you write?” “Constantly,” I admitted. “Then you’re a writer,” she explained. “It’s about time you started believing that.”

So now I have five books published, and one to be released this year–and several more written, but not published yet. So why do I feel like a fraud when I tell people I’m a writer? For one thing, I’m not a famous writer, nor do I make enough money to support myself with writing, nor do I have any bestsellers to my credit. I want to be Jessica Fletcher—only without the frequent murders of all my best friends and acquaintances.

Yet, from my earliest memories I’ve been a writer. When I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade I started writing short stories and poetry. I served on the newspaper staff at school, and then on the creative writing staff. The writing never stopped as I studied creative writing in college. My head was so full of stories and ideas that I felt an urgency to get them out onto paper. Guess what! I still do. At this point, I believe I have at least another dozen books in my head—at various stages of “cooking.”

Writing is the loveliest form of expression to me. When speaking, I sometimes struggle to find the right words, or stumble over them once I do find them. Writing puts my thoughts where I can see them, edit them and approve of them before sending them out into the universe.

Frequently I advise people to write down their thoughts, goals and dreams. It’s cathartic, for one thing. My BFF and I journal to each other. She hears my thoughts and activities on a daily basis, and I hear hers. No one knows me better than she does. No one knows her better than I. Writing to her every day is therapeutic—getting it all out, venting, encouraging, praising, counseling, confessing, sharing my heart with her. She knows everything—the funny, sad, embarrassing and marvelous things, events and people that make up my life.

It’s hard to convince myself that anyone but her would ever care to read my ramblings. But I’m told they will. So come back and see how I’m doing. Join me as I seek to entertain, console, instruct, inform and encourage through this marvelous means of expression—WRITING!

Deborah Howard

Let There Be Light

Who’s the Boss of Sex?

Spiritual Warfare is Real

Lunatic, Liar or Lord!

Look to the Hills!

Help! My Friend is Suicidal

Against All Odds

Death by Suicide

God Puts Us Where He Wants Us

On Writing

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